Sansaglit
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” — Mark Twain
I’ve been really quiet for a very long time, pandemic got me into a lot of introspecting, and contemplating the whole time. It has been 365 days, this bonehead government is still incompetent with a lot of misplaced plans and dumdum orders. Day by day they prove that there is nothing greater than the wickedness of the regime. Halt.
2020, I lost a 4 years job, I lost love, lost 4 relatives, I lost interest in art.
I was in a terrible downward spiral. I was drowning fast in a quicksand of lies, escapism, unnecessary drama, excessive drinking, debts, an addiction that I’m afraid of admitting, and insecurity. I was lost and very unhappy. I couldn’t really run to anyone — pandemic drove them all to exhaustion. I tried to hold it together and held on to prayers that were only said due to desperation. My faith always had an expiration and it was always conditional. I learned to hate life to the point where I wanted to get revenge on existence itself. I’m too tired to stay, I’m too scared to leave. I can really feel the pressure trying to eff with my brain and my emotions, and I seriously wanna kick it out of my system knowing that I have the tendency to slow down and just disappear when things become too overwhelming because that is not how a mature adult, professional person should act like. I might not be physically tired most of the time but mentally, it has been exhausting.
You can smile and still want to die? You can wash the dishes, eat 3 times a day, crack humor out for everyone and still want to die?
Yet, I don’t want to die, I just want relief.
All these thoughts running inside my head making me want to go to sleep and never wanted to wake up again. But it’s against my nature.
N-E-V-E-R was the first thing I learned with my training as a reservist and the last thing to remember when spelling out “QUIT.”
Besides, I hate admitting defeat.
Every year you will always encounter an experience that will change your life forever. There will be humps and bumps along the road but the one I went through this year was something I will always remember for the rest of my life.
It was the year of facing the consequences of a few bad habits. I’m not a naive person, whenever I break rules I always knew it was wrong and I always told myself that whatever it is, I am willing to gamble and face the consequences later on. So later on came and it wasn’t fun at all.
This year, I was subjected to instances where I had to swallow a huge chunk of humble pie. I rebelliously quit my job without enough savings, priorly spent all the left money on my design gears, and have no plans yet on how to sustain my life after. I could no longer afford my necessities, food, and all sorts. It was that bad. Four of my relatives died and I can’t do anything to help. I experienced getting subtly rebuked for the house bills with just about 100pesos in my wallet and nothing to offer. It’s been a tough year, even my father lost his job as a jeepney driver. (*!%#$ government!)
I was living a double life — artist by day, graphic designer by night. My pretentious self even hustles photoshoot, keeping myself really busy to avoid emotions. Because of negligence, I drove myself to exhaustion and it affected so much those that were important to me. The fire to learn had died down.
I became cold, really really cold where I became apathetic to people.
I had to endure the blistering heat of summer in a room that had no ventilation. I slept the heat away. I tried my hardest to battle depression and self-pity for I have no choice and pocket emptied.
People would never understand that being creative/office job is a kind of very logical and emotional labor, it requires a lot of thinking, feeling and it’s inevitable to be overwhelmed, and unstable. That you need to give yourself a space to process things. There’s no equation and it’s really hard and very heavy on how to figure things out on how it will work because there’s no formula in creative job/office jobs.
I understand how the field type of job is hard. But do people understand that virtual job too? When the narrow spaces in their heads only understand shallow narrative as if we are just sitting there for hours dating with the keyboard and mouse.
Do you hold your keyboard and say “Yeah, they are going to start on their way, just watch.”
But how do you really explain to your parents that you’re going through some emotional shit right now and it’s getting out of hand without?
Self-pity won’t feed me, I worked hard and I had to thicken my face some more just to survive. I was staying in a place where I knew I wasn’t welcome anymore but I just shunned every feeling that I had because I had nothing.
I was subjected to months of wilderness. When I left my job in Manila amidst the pandemic before lockdown, I escaped to the province and got lost along the way.
This is the thing about new beginnings, they’re always terrifying and hard but it is always liberating. It is an opportunity for self-discovery. It is your chance to make decisions to turn your life upside down.
That downfall was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because it led me to seek genuine help and refuge with the Lord.
There were a few friends that I met this year, most of them were fair weathered but I’ve also met new ones that are more in line with the kind of lifestyle I want to pursue, writers, designers, photographers, and artists. Also this year, I have learned to manage my emotions including my reactions to certain things. I am more open to letting go of people and things that I no longer wish to be in my life. I’ve learned to embrace and celebrate who I really am. I am comfortable with myself.
Personally, there are a lot of things that I need to improve on. Mistakes that I am slowly trying to mend. I swear to work on them by 2021 and longer. I would also really want to be more active this year. Withdraw vices and no more of my sedentary lifestyle.
One more thing,
I hate losing against my own thoughts.
I refused to stop until things get better.
Now I’m still heading into 2021, leaving stupid guilt behind. I’m still thankful for I’m finally starting to feel appreciative of what’s coming in, instead of feeling sucky about people leaving.
I promise to live a life so rich in love,
that at the end I will not be so shy of death.
The good thing about this is that I am finally free. I have nothing to hide. All cards are laid out on the table. The truth was freed so I wouldn’t have to remember anything.
I don’t broadcast every high,
I don’t hide every low.
Someday I will write poems about this but first I must survive it.
And in case anyone will see me successful somewhere far in the future, I can tell people how some days it storms, some days it shines.
And this is how flowers grow.
I will tell the story of the tragedy I lived.
My words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.
